I'm going through a lot of stress these days, with the way the world is going. I should probably put myself on a news blackout for a while. I get migraine headaches and bite my nails.

I think to myself that I could easily get some good relief from a hit of junk, but I wouldn't know where to start. It's been about 30 years since I bought any or had a fit (hypodermic set up). The consequences are way too severe anyway.

But honestly, from the few times I've had to go to the ER at the hospital for migraines where they gave me morphine, I really didn't enjoy it as much as I might have years ago. I guess I've grown and matured way beyond the insecurities and fears and hurts that haunted me in my teens and 20s. I hated the way I slept all day. But the worst thing was the way my mind wasn't sharp. I like my 'smartness' and my little exploratory thought-tangents. I don't like feeling 'not in control'.

One of the things I was concerned about before I started getting high was not being in control and acting like an idiot if I tried alcohol or drugs. I guess the pressure and curiosity was stronger than my wanting to look and feel 'normal'. It's strange that I gave up on that to such a huge extent for so many years.

I really, really love my life and this world and how 'interesting' other people are. I wish I could take back those 10 or 12 years that I squandered. And all that money!!! I have never even bothered to try to estimate how freaking much I spent on heroin. Why figure out another way to beat up on myself?

On the positive side, though, I learned a whole lot during those years. I saw some scary, forbidden places and I got an experiential degree in human behavior and addiction. I learned to be extremely resourceful and to read people and hunches very, very well. But it's so nice that I lived through it and can talk about it now, sort of. I don't think I'll ever stop having a certain degree of sensitivity about it. I'm surprised at what a private person I actually am (and was, why didn't I know it?).