"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God"
Lenny Bruce, about opium/heroin
The next summer was a good one. I spent the summer kissing God and a Paul Newman lookalike at the drive-in! I met "Paul" the previous winter at an outdoor music festival. He was a senior in high school and I was a junior but we were in different schools. We had fun together and it was especially fun when we had dope. He did look very, very much like Paul Newman but with green eyes and longer hair.
Paul was the youngest of 3 children. His father had been in the Navy.
Philanthropist, actor Paul Newman
During that year I had enough of a steady habit that I needed to take more initiative to come up with money for drugs. I started stealing and forging checks to maintain. I was expelled from my high school for stealing money from someone's purse during PE. I would spend part of my last year of high school attending the one Paul had gone to. I am sad and sorry to say that I stole money, jewelry, and checks from my parents, too.
As mentioned, the summer was spent shooting dope, going to the beach, going to the drive-in, and shooting more dope in the car before hopping into the back seat. It was your typical summer with the heroin added. The times with drugs were just fine but life without turned into an unhappy detour with a sniffle and a sun that was way too bright for comfort. Opiates give a soft veil to see life through and without that gentle buffer it was harsh and intense.
Paul and I drifted apart once school started in the autumn of that year. Again, I was on my own to feed my steady habit. I needed to fix each morning before school. I met other junkies along the way and, with one or the other, would pool resources to get through the days until someone else came along with a better connection or more money. I would give a ride in my car or let them use my needle ("fit") in exchange for a shot.
I hung around with one guy who smuggled dope into the country. That was a sure thing until, I guess, I got too demanding and he cut me off. At that point, my dad helped me to get into a hospital detoxification program. I had entered junior high with A's and B's, but I dropped out of high school with D's, "Incompletes", and a habit of about $50.00 per day (back then - 1970).
By this time in my life, the sweet coating around that bitter pill had worn off. There was no routine, security, or continuity in anything for me. My care and concern seldom wandered in the direction of someone else. Symptoms of depression crept in, too, if I had no heroin. There was nothing to look forward to and no reason to have hope.
From my experiences and/or scientific research finally making it's way into the mainstream, I see that in most addicts there is some kind of neuro-chemical imbalance. Substance P, opiate receptors, and other things have a bearing on how we "feel" or how our brains perceive events and emotions. The heroin then changes the addicts actual brain function. There is also a spiritual bankruptcy that goes with alcoholism and addiction. I am not sure if it was there inside of me earlier or if it was just something that was obvious toward the later serious level of addiction and the withdrawals. If no heroin was around, a Hershey bar would quiet a little voice inside for a little while. The chocolate receptor is apparently very close to the opiate receptor, if not the same thing.
I want to say again that doing drugs is a very dumb thing. Although you don't mean to, you will get used to the feeling and end up addicted. Once an addict, you will do every single thing you swore you'd never do if you were to become addicted. Actually, you'll do more. It is because you turn into a completely different person. The happy, carefree child who could even bear some pain will become an inwardly-desperate, guarded person, totally lacking in concern for anyone else. Pain is unbearable but there will be a whole lot of it. The feeling of "completeness" that comes when the drug is first tried will be more difficult, then impossible, to find again. I am still amazed that I discovered that blissful state once again only when I stopped taking drugs. Being drug-free, prayer, and meditation have come to satisfy my constant search, but not before wasting about a decade of my life and losing many cherished friendships. During that time, there was no growth. It was like I had stopped maturing and feeling. I had to learn to deal with some things all over again.
Unless you really like to suffer, don't do drugs. m
